exciting & frightening

I got a new job. I gave notice. It's official (even more so now that I am writing about it). I will be the director of a non-profit contemporary art gallery: 1708 Gallery. It felt like the hardest decision I have ever had to make. I have been pretty nervous about the last few weeks. Part of making the decision though was a no brainer:
a. It's a major step forward in my career.
b. It's something I have always wanted to do.
c. It's why I am in this field.
d. It's why I went to graduate school and took out a $20,000 student loan which I will be paying back the rest of my life.
e. It's extremely exciting.
f. It pays more.

g. I'll be in charge.

Some of what has made this decision difficult:

a. I have a good & secure job now.
b. The economy is unstable which will make my new job more difficult and this move risky.
c. I am comfortable where I am now. I know what to expect and it's not too demanding for also being a mama. I feel like I can manage both well.
d. I have got our routine down for our family and it's working, why mess with it?
e. I am scared that my new job and it's responsibilities will make me less available at home, more stressed, and therefore unhappy.
f. I am worried about feeling torn between the demands of the job and the demands of home.
g. I am worried that I will suck at this new job. I don't know if I am ready for this responsibility? and do I really want this? am I the right person for the job?

etc...the list goes on and on. There are plenty or reasons why I am anxious about this change. Ultimately what I am most worried about is the adverse effects it could have on my family, mostly that I won't see them enough which will make me unhappy. This is probably exactly what every other working mama deals with. It's really tough because you don't want to neglect your family while advancing your career.

I decided to go for it. The only way to find out what it will be like is to give it a try. Now it's wait and see. The truth is I am very excited and honored to have this opportunity. I have a good gut feeling about it too. I was hoping that I would do something like this at one point in my life, I certainly didn't expect it to happen now though. When I applied for the position, I never thought I would get this far. I figured it would be good experience to go through the interviewing process. I am not desperate for a job and I was completely comfortable and candid during the interviews (there were three of them). When I told them that I had a 10 month old son at home and that I can't have a job that will consume my life, I expected them to toss my resume in the trash. They didn't. I guess that is a good sign too.

I have been struggeling with the timing of this. Is this the right time? Maybe I should wait a couple of more years before taking on such a responsibility. I had to get used to the idea that a change like this will never get easier. Miles will always need me, no matter if he is 10 months or 10 years old. In fact, life will only become more complicated as time goes on (more kids!). I also realized that my current job will not prepare me any more for this kind of position. In fact, I am stagnating where I am now and probably loosing skills. This new position will definitly be a good investment for my career. It will be a true challenge professionally and personally. It will test my stamina, creativity, skills, patience, and character. It will determine what I am made of and if I am cut out for this. Scary, right?

Frank has been completely supportive in this decision. If it wouldn't be for him, I probably would have pulled out of it already. I am thankful for the support.

I start March 17th. If postings will soon be lighter, you know why.